through closed eyes (reylo)
by tiredmoongirl
Summary: .contains spoilers from tlj. after the death of snoke, the bond between rey and ben continues to connect the two. how can they escape a bond they are unwilling to break, despite her light and his darkness? while the rebels plan to take down the first order, and the first order plans to take down the rebels, how will the two take down one another, when all they see is each other?
1. one : something similar to a flame

One : Something Similar to Flame

"I'm sorry. I miss you. Sometimes, these feelings sear through me and, I don't even know if they're mine. It's the darkness, inside me, plaguing me and I hope you understand and you probably won't but I just want you safe. I'm sorry."

When Rey awoke, tendrils of her dreams escaped her, melting into the drab grey room of the current rebel base. Ever since her last encounter with Ben, when she'd left him during the escape from Crait, she'd tried to sever her ties and maintain a constant barrier from him, but in moments like this, in the early light of the morning, Rey found herself somehow missing the steadiness of his wild locks of charcoal hair and his quiet nature.

Times when her subconcious tricked her into a haze of confusion. There was good in him, she was sure of it, she could sense its low hum radiating from him, cloaked beneath his dark clothing.

From the warmth in his touch that echoed with moonlight and assurance that one day, she might not feel so alone, during that night on Ahch-To as the gentle crackle of the fire spreading across dry wood enveloped the two of them.

From the security she'd felt in the throne room of Snoke, her trust in him undeniable and unfaltering, and the stability unknown to her that he'd generated as they'd fought side by side, sensing each others movements like that of someone they'd known from a long time ago.

And Rey couldn't shake the underlying closeness she shared with him, something alien to her, the feeling of intimacy that seemed to go beyond the connection they had gained from their force bond.

It was something she knew he'd felt too, at times when his barrier accidently fell for a few seconds and she could recognise the same comfort of the others presence along with something similar to flame. Warm, flickering, as though they were both scared to lose whatever strange thing they had, and electric, like a burst of energy that was unfamilar yet exhilarating.

Rey was also confused as to why she could still feel this bond with him, even after the death of Snoke. Ben was still in her mind, and despite the weak barrier she'd forced and her half-hearted attempts to eradicate him were futile.

Furthermore, another part of her didn't want him gone.

As much as she didn't want to admit it, she'd somehow found solace in the tall boy with sad eyes. And she was terrified of being abandoned again, just like she had been so many years ago by her parents, and her clumsily put together heart was scared of being alone again, without the only person who seemed to make it better.

By the stars, she was so damn conflicted. Everytime she'd tried to rip down the bond between the two of them, she'd remember his glowing features in the light of the fire, or the hurt in those hazel eyes of his when she'd closed the door of the ship.

She could feel his mind reaching out to her all the time, and her resolve was weakening. She was filled with a sense of longing, different to what she'd felt during all of those years at Jakku. It would be so lovely, just to see him again, just for a few moments. Maybe if-

"Finn?"

In the doorway stood Finn, his solid build resting on the wall as he smiled, before entering the room, and sitting on a chair next to her bed.

What had she been thinking? Ben was the same person who'd injured Finn, the first person she'd smiled at for a long time, who'd killed Han Solo, who'd taken her under his wing like the father she never had, who wished destruction upon everything she loved.

Rey raised herself to sit up, while listening to Finn talk.

"How's Rose?"

Finn looked up at her, pausing from his daily rant about how she had to stop staying in bed for so long. Hesitantly, he replied.

"She's doing much better, they say. She regained conciousness a couple times in the night but she's sleeping right now."

He stopped, and looked down at the floor.

"It's my fault she's like this anyways, if I hadn't been such a coward and gone to the escape pods in the first place-"

"It's not your fault. Aren't you glad that you know her? And she'll be alright."

Rey patted Finn's shoulder in the way that good friends do, until he eventually looked up again, his cheerful face returning.

"Yeah, of course. What am I even saying? Anyways, other than to moan at you, I'm also here because Leia wants to see you. Meet her at the balcony."

He stood up to leave, and grinned at her again over his shoulder before leaving. Rey was alone again, left with just the her labyrinth of thoughts and the boy who she couldn't forget.

 _hi to anyone reading this and thank you so much for taking the time. i wrote this last night purely because i haven't written anything in a long time and wanted to be creative again. i love reylo's dynamic so much and just wanted to write something again, so here's this. i haven't really edited and my ideas for this story are very vague, so yeah. thank you again, and have a good day. may the force be with you, always._


	2. two : gentility of the blue

Two : Gentility of the Blue

Cross legged, in the center of a cave that glowed quietly in shades of blue, sat Ben, on smooth piece of stone, his eyes closed and his breathing slow. The tranquil tones were a welcome reprieve from the harsh shades of crimson and vermilion that seemed to trail his footsteps, from both the haunting red of his lightsaber and the blood that followed him.

Instead, the blue soothed him, reminding him of her. Her delicate features, traced in the light of her weapon, in the same way that he wished he could.

This kept happening, ever since he first met her in the lush green forests of Takodana. Everything seemed to link with her, sending rivers of emotion through Ben's usually numb mind, leaving a hint of warmth that eased the shivers in the recesses of his subconcious.

He'd been reaching out to her relentlessly since that day he'd failed her, after their battle against Snoke and the Praetorian guards in the throne room of the Supremacy. He just wanted her to understand, or at least, just to catch a glimpse of her.

"Rey."

Summoning the strength of the force, he tried once more to connect with her, his intentions full of earnest honesty. She was there, he could sense her distant presence. That barriers she'd formed were weak, much weaker that what he knew she was capable of.

Ben was just about to tear down the frail walls that surrounded her, before hesitating, his merciless conscience full of self loathing. She was right, he was exactly the monster that she'd said he was, undeserving of her, evident in the darkness the crept in the crevices of his being.

It was his fault things were this way. If the fear inside of him hadn't taken control, the barriers wouldn't have been built in the first place. It was because of his own weakness that he'd wildly suggested the two of them starting the galaxy afresh. In the hysteria of having killed his master, among the falling sparks of the destroyed throne room, his mind had clouded with terror.

Terror of him sinking deeper into the void that was the darkness if she wasn't there, terror of her leaving him, the same way everyone did, terror of her ever being in danger. He'd foolishly thought that the allure of power, the only thing he'd ever been taught to want, would convince her to stay by his side.

Ben lay on his back against the cool surface of the stone, his head swirling with thoughts he couldn't understand. Eventually he sat up, and left the gentility of the blue.

As he walked to the base of the first order, one of several, he admired his surroundings. Skyphos was one of Ben's favourite planets, and despite the fact that he had to come here under his responsiblities as the new Supreme Leader, a title that he suprisingly wasn't pleased to receive, he was at least glad that the location was here.

If Ben had to use a word to describe Skyphos, he would say peace. Contrasting with the violence planned here, the planet was what quiet and rest felt like, full of still lakes that murmured with slight ripples and reclusive caves with beautiful secrets hidden within them.

Ben longed to bring Rey here, to show her the soft curves of the hills, the safety that seemed to blanket the atmosphere, and vast lakes and streams that littered the entire planet, all cast in varying azures and ceruleans, the opposite of bitter Jakku.

Suddenly, a crashing wave of pain pummelled into Ben, sending him crashing into the ground, the overpowering flood of surging hate and anger. It felt like the blistering burn of the lava on Mustafar, and his parents turning their backs on him, and Rey's eyes overflowing with sadness and disappointment.

The torrent rushed into every part of him, and he lay, clutched in indescribable pain, his agony piercing through the safety he'd created in his thoughts only moments ago.

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity of suffering, his senses returned from the throngs of his torment, and with an immense effort, he managed to overcome the overwhelming amount of power that had just left him weak and drained.

A thought immediately reached him, as panic rose in his throat. Despite his fragile state, he urgently mustered whatever was left within him to reach out, across the galaxy. He quickly sensed her distinct essence of sunlight and goodness, and felt every tightly coiled muscle relax, just a little. She was safe.

Powerless, he stayed on the cushioned grass, eyes closed, and allowed himself to breathe again.

Ben's eyes snapped open, pupils dilated, a fresh sheen of sweat appearing across his forehead. He'd never been to the Mustafar system.

 _hi to anyone reading this and thank you so much for taking the time. i wrote this off of the excitement of the last chapter, so excuse me for the poorish quality of my writing, but i'm so happy that i seem to finally out of my writer's block! my ideas for this story are starting to form and i hope you like it, and thank you to anyone who read my last chapter, especially to those who decided to favourite, follow or comment on it! you motivate me so much to continue. may the force be with you, always._


	3. three : the water behind her eyes

Three : The Water Behind Her Eyes

Rey and Leia sat in silence, looking at the fields of Aupra from Leia's balcony. Now that it was the seventh season of the Aupran year, golden crops spread across the land, small wilted flowers coating the earth.

"Here, have something to eat, it's not the best but Finn told me you hadn't had breakfast yet. You need the energy."

Leia pushed a plate of fresh bread with butter towards Rey, a small smile on her face that Rey quickly returned before wolfing down the food, realising how hungry she was. Anything was better than the dry and stiff ration bread on Jakku.

As she ate, Leia returned her gaze to the flat horizon. Rey could see the remnants of frowns engrained onto her forehead, and light crinkles of laughter by her eyes. She felt tears start to well up.

Leia was so kind and strong and brave, but she was also hurting. She'd lost her son, her husband, her brother, and had never met her parents. She lost countless comrades every day, and Rey could see the pressure and sadness in her. Despite it all, Leia's posture remained elegant and powerful. Rey thought about all of the people that she must be missing, and composure she had to upkeep.

The general turned back to face Rey, only to see her with tears silently flowing down her cheeks.

"Dear child..."

Leia quickly moved to hug the crying girl, cradling her head and stroking her hair that was free from their signature buns. Rey closed her eyes, filled with warmth and was embarrased at herself for being so emotional. But she knew that Leia understood, and didn't mind.

They stayed like that for a while, Leia combing Rey's hair with her fingers, Rey forcing down the water behind her eyes, until eventually things seemed less bad than before. Rey sat up, and both of them sank back into their chairs.

To avoid Leia's understanding looks, her well meaning nature threatening to cause Rey to start crying again at the unexpected sympathy, Rey turned back to look at the early afternoon glow cast upon the miles of yellow that stretched endlessly.

"When Ben was just a baby, half a year old at most, Han took the three of us here. We hadn't planned it, but that was just the way he was, spontaneous and unpredictable."

Leia's eyes twinkled, as she spoke of her family.

"We'd just hopped into the Falcon, and flown through the galaxy until we found somewhere to stay for a while. Aupra doesn't have many inhabitants, and the farmers who live here are unintrusive. We built a small home, maybe just twenty miles or so from here, and lived without the responsiblities of every system on our shoulders."

Rey smiled, thinking of how peaceful it must have been.

"When Ben turned a year old, Luke reached out to me, telling me that the Force within Ben needed to be trained, and soon. The three of us left, Han and I believing that we'd soon return. But there was a child to care for, and darkness to prevent, and rebellions to lead."

Leia leaned back against her chair, sighing deeply.

"I'm glad that I was able to come back again, at least once."

She paused, before continuing.

"You're missing someone too, aren't you."

The two held each others gaze, sharing a moment of grief and loneliness. Rey stood up, unable to bear the tenderness that ebbed from Leia, afraid to cry again in front of her.

"I have to go, um, practice my combat forms."

"Yes, of course, go ahead."

Rey walked away from the kindly woman, appreciating her acceptance although her excuse had been weak.

Just as she reached the sliding doors, Rey gasped as a sharp pang of pain spiked at her, concentrated and scathing. In a panic, she reached for a nearby railing, the feeling gone as soon as it had appeared. Leia quickly rushed to her side, steadying her, but Rey barely took notice.

All she could think of was Ben. She immediately used every ounce of strength to try to make contact with him, letting out a breath she hadn't realised she'd been holding, filled with relief. He was there. A bit misted over and unclear, but there.

Leia looked at the girl with growing concern, but Rey quickly righted herself, not wanting to worry her.

"Rey, are you alright? What just happened?"

"I'm fine, I just slipped a little, that's all."

Rey quickly walked away, confused at what had just occurred.

 _hi to anyone reading this and thank you so much for taking the time. this chapter's a little short but the next one should be a bit bulkier. also, the dialogue might seem a bit clunky/awkward at times, because i'm really bad at it, so if anyone has any tips for natural sounding dialogue, that would be cool. i really appreciate all of the responses i've received so far and would like to especially say thank you to any one who's favourited, followed or commented on my story! i hope you are enjoying the story so far, and had a lovely new year. may the force be with you, always._


	4. four : some type of nostalgia

Four : Some Type of Nostalgia

The meeting room was dim and illuminated by red lights, much like the rest of the First Order, and tension began to rise as it always did during these meetings. Ben sat at the head of the table, and remained silent as the admirals argued.

He was Kylo Ren here, the Supreme Leader of the First Order, feared by most of the galaxy and, although the people gathered around the table mercilessly defended their opinions, he could still sense their apprehension towards him, and he knew that his word was final.

Hux slammed his hand against the table, and stood up to look directly at Ben.

"The rebels are low on people, resources and allies, the lowest point that we've seen at them for decades." He spoke slowly, emphasizing his words, though his agitation was apparent.

"Right now is the perfect opportunity to attack, while they are on the brink of survival, and we can leave them extinct. We could wipe them out completely."

The other people in the room had started to listen, straightening their posture and turning towards Hux. Ben's expression remained indifferent, as Hux continues to explain how this could be the final blow the Resistance, the only thing that stood in the way of the rule of the First Order.

The final blow to the Resistance. The same Resistance that Ben's moher resolutely led for years, despite the greys in her hair. Ben could feel something, something that had been pestering him since the attack on the Mandator IV-Class Dreadnought.

He'd flown past the MC85 Star Cruiser, filled with the people he'd been taught to hate. And Ben knew it was impossible, at the high speeds of his TIE Silencer, to even catch a glimpse of any specific person onboard, but somehow, he'd seen his mother.

His gloved fingers had rested on the red trigger, and the ship had been well within range. He had stopped, the hot sense of destroying replaced with some type of, nostalgia? Before he'd been able to rethink his actions, part of the ship exploded, at the hands of one of the pilots next to him.

"I object."

Ben spoke, and although his voice was quiet, the room become silent.

This feeling had been growing. It had compelled him to drive a lightsaber through who he'd called "Master", without even questioning any other path of action. And the thing was, he didn't regret it. It was the feeling that had kept him awake at night for months, brimming with ideas of a new, safer order.

If only he could make Rey understand what he'd meant, back in Snoke's throne room.

"Ahem."

Ben left his thoughts, as Hux dramatically cleared his throat, narrowing his eyes. He realised that he hadn't spoken yet, while the room remained in anxious silence. Reassuming his air of arrogance, he began.

"As Hux has said, the rebels are at their lowest. Although conflict would result in a definitive victory of the order through our military power, do not assume that the rebels will go down quietly. The order would still suffer a fatal blow."

Hux scoffed, but remained quiet.

"If we kick the opponent while they are still on the ground, don't expect planets to not go to aid the Resistance. The general is still Leia Organa, Princess of Alderaan, and her influence will awaken when she needs it the greatest."

"The general is also your mother, as you sure that you aren't falling under her influence?"

Hux's goading voice broke through Ben's words, despite his efforts to be discreet. Ben decided to ignore him, and continued.

"I propose a negotiation."

The table of men were too afraid to voice their thoughts, but Ben could sense their confusion.

"A negotiation? I'm afraid that you've gone soft."

Of course, it was Hux, taunting and vying for power, as he always was. Hux gasped as he felt his windpipes narrow from the tight grip Ben held, his blood vessels squirming. He grabbed onto the table, groping for air, for him to just be able to breathe.

Vader would have done this exact gesture, all those years ago. Ben let go, much sooner than he usually would, as if he'd been burned with a hot iron. Unease washed over him, at his own discomfort to someone he used to idolize. No, he told himself, someone he still idolized.

Ben stood up to leave.

"We will continue tomorrow."

As the rest of the men muttered under their breath and waited for him to head out of the door, Ben collapsed. It was as if all of the rage in the galaxy was directed at him, ripping him apart from the inside. He was trapped, in a hurricane of heat and fury, twisting and contorting him into uncontrollable agony.

Every part of him pounded with unbearable pain as he was mindlessly attacked from something that seemed familiar yet unknown. He felt it, whatever it was, ghost past him, a flicker of something, before he was tossed back into the assault on his mind.

Ben felt his legs give way, as he was pulled under.

 _hi to anyone reading this and thank you so much for taking the time. hmm, i wonder what's going on? i hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story so far. i quite liked writing about hux, and i hope you enjoyed him in this chapter. thank you so much to everyone who has given this story a favourite, follow or comment, it motivates me so much to write this story! have a good day, and may the force be with you, always._


End file.
